i may or may not be watching the land before time
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
