Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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