my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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