I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So many bounce houses so little time
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
