Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
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Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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