after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
