wrigley field is MILF paradise
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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