I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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