I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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