So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
