it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
