hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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