Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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