i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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