oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
