her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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