I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
