There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
