The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
