I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
