I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
