it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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