what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
