Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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