FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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