Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
