I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
