I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
