I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
even my farts smell like vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
