There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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