this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
