Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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