And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Im part way to drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
