my phone needs a breathalizer
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
