Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
