WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
