I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
