Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
home. puking in laundry basket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
