she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
