the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
