Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
