just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
