I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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