saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
