My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize