Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
