There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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