so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
