its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
