i think i have two assholes
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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