Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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