he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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