I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
