hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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