I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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