if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
