can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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