how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
